...$%&()...

walang ibig sabihin yung titulo ko. wala lang akong maisip na akmang titulo ng blog na ito.

sa kasalukuyan, nandito ako sa sala. nanunuod ng the tonight show with conan o'brien. umaasa na makatisod ng mga salitang makakapag-patawa sa kin sa mga oras na ito. akala ko masaya ako. masaya kasi wala na akong nararamdamang sakit - ngunit hindi pa pala. magaling lang akong mag-tago. magaling lang akong tumakbo sa mga problema. mahusay lang akong mag-kubli ng luha.

minsan natanong ko sa sarili ko, bakit ako tumatakbo? para maiwanan ko ba yung problema ko? para ba kahit sa konting panahon ay mawaglit sa aking isipan na di ako masaya? alam ko lang para sa akin ito. para sa sarili ko kaya akong tumatakbo. gusto kong pumayat - mas pumayat. subalit, nagsisinungaling ako kung di ko sasabihin na parte nga ng pag-takbo ko ay ang makalimot ng problema - kung mababasa ito ni jay at ni john ito sasabihin na naman nila na nagtatago ako sa problema. =) . pero sana maunawaan nila na sanay akong ako lang yung nag-lulutas ng problema ko. kasi alam ko kaya ko ito...

nilipat ko ang channel ng tv. oprah na ito ang pinapanuod ko. tungkol kay ted haggard. nakakatuwa lang isipan kung paano siya minahal ng asawa nya. buong pusong pagmamahal. sa kabila ng ginawa ng asawa nya. pagmamahal na di lang iniisip ang sarili bagkus iniisip kung ano at para pag-mamahal. isa akong gago. isa akong sira ulo. pero marunong din akong mag-mahal.

ang problema ko ay di lang tungkol sa pagmamahal kundi pagtanggap sa nakaraan. kailan ko ba mapapatawad ang sarili ko? di ko pa alam. alam ko lang ngayon, nailabas ko yung nasa puso ko ngayon. mas maluwag na siya. kailangan ko lang siguro konti iyak.

puno ako ng pag-asa na binibigay sa akin ng Panginoon para mas maging malakas lang ako. sana mawala na ito sa mga susunod na araw, pero kung gusto ng Panginoon na yun yung matutupad...

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chicago's taste

well, well, well...nung una ayaw ko talaga dito dahil sa weather - masyadong malamig. pero ang summer is sssuuupppeeerrr fun! grabe. kanina, we went again to taste chicago - taste of chicago. maraming pakulo! syempre di maiiwasan ang sayawan...

ang saya! we had a good time with the people and the band as well...next stop namin, sumali sa rock band competition! abangan natin next week!

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takbo

wala na akong maisip na title...malimit talaga akong tumakbo ngayon. this, week walang araw akong di tumakbo. tama! takbo ako ng takbo. gusto ko kasing mas maging mapayat.

dati, nung medyo malamig pa. sa treadmill lang ako lagi. pero ngayon, mas maganda na ang panahon, sa labas na ako tumatakbo. ang laki ng kaibahan. sobra! siguro dahil sa labas mas marami kang nakikitang tao unlike sa gym treadmill lang ang nakikita mo. gusto ko din yung tanawin sa labas, ang ganda! maraming mga gusali na matatayog, maraming mga yate, iba't ibang uri ng aso.

sa mga susunod na araw, maaari ko nang ibahagi sa inyo yung mga bagay na natutunan ko sa pag-takbo...

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takbo ko kanina

kanina, tumakbo na naman ako. ang kakaiba nga lang ngayon, may bitbit akong bag kasi gusto ko kumuha ng mga larawan. kakatuwa kasi ang dami talagang magagandang tanawin dito sa chicago. marami ring mga tao na iba't iba ang lahi. parang di ka talaga maliligaw kasi alam mo na maraming maliligaw kung ikaw ay naliligaw. natutuwa lang ako kasi ang daming taong nagkalat sa kalsada...

sabi ng kasamahan ko sa trabaho, kaya daw ako tumatakbo ay dahil sa may problema daw ako. sa tingin, hindi. tumatakbo ako kasi para na sa akin ito. noong una, kailangan kong tanggapin na tama siya. pero ngayon, hindi na. natutunan kong mahalin yung bagay na nag-lalayo sa akin sa katotohanan...

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araw ng mga ama

pinag-diriwang sa buong mundo ang araw ng mga ama. ito ay unang ipinagdiwang noong ika-19 ng hunyo, 1910 sa washington. si lyndon johnson ang presidente ng estados unidos na pumirma para ratipikahan ang isang proklamasyon na nag-sasabing ang ikatlong linggo ng hunyo ay maging araw ng mga ama.

wala lang, gusto ko lang maging magaling. lol . pero wala lang talaga. naaalala ko lang siguro yung tatay ko. pero sa dulo, ganun talaga. una una lang yun. kung nasaan man ang tatay ko ngayon, maligayang araw ng mga ama!

salamat!

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pilgrimage v.05

Wow! Meeting Kiko really thrilled me! We left Connecticut early because we need to be in Washington before 2.30 in the afternoon. The day went well. =) . We passed several other states. It was fun to know a part of US history. They mentioned about a brief history of Delaware and Maryland. Don’t ask me about it – I already forgot what they said.

We arrived at D.C. on time. It was fun to see other pilgrims walking towards the stadium with their banner and flag in which state they represent. The feeling was really awesome because I remembered how we did it in Ilo-ilo last 2007. Do you have any idea of what I was doing at that time? Of course, I was secluding myself and just looking around. Though, I was with Gerardo but he has other friends, too. So, I just wondered around the place. Two days without taking a bath was big deal for me. This means that I just wanted to get out of other’s path. LOL!


There were a lot of people in the stadium – as in a lot! The best way to control the crowd is to let someone sing a song in front so that others would follow – as in! The biggest delegates were from California and New Jersey. We were all thrilled when Kiko went up the stage. I was hoping that he will be speaking in English but I guess I failed. I decided to give my mp3 player a try if it will work with the translation but I forgot it in my bag. The bus driver was nowhere to be found - so good bye! Too bad, I could not understand most of Kiko’s words. However, there were these words in which I was truly struck. It seemed that God paved a way so that I could understand what Kiko is telling me. He was telling me to “convert”. Yes to convert! I did not know where it came from but it appeared that I translated the words correctly. Oh my! It is really me. When the gathering was over, we all played music outside. Sorry, they played the music and I danced with others.

Virginia was our next destination – believe me or not but I really do not have an idea that we were in Virginia that night. We went into this place where they gave us food (pizza and some drinks) until I saw a building permit document posted in the wall saying that we are in Fairfax, Virginia. We spent a few hours there before we went to St. Timothy Church in Chantilly, Virginia. It was just 11 pm at that time so we practically have longer of sleep this time. =) .

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pilgrimage v.04

I experienced one of the best Eucharistic celebrations in Bridgeport, Connecticut. I forgot the name of the priest who presided the celebration but it was the best. It is because the songs are very lively and it totally uplifted my spirit. I was totally ecstatic when they sung Shema (I really do not know if this is the complete title of song) but it goes something like “Shema, Israel. Listen, Israel”. I can feel my heart is being beaten. It feels like God is knocking on the door of my heart asking if He could enter. Oh my! Its really me. You know, totally melodramatic.

Anyways, one of the highlights of the said event is the baptismal of two babies. Yes! They baptized two babies that night. Everyone is so excited whenever we do this. Flashes coming from cameras are all over – of course I am one of them.

We had an agape after the celebration. Afterwards, Gerardo and I picked up our things and prepared to sleep. We slept inside the church. I can really feel that we are really pilgrims because we do not have a permanent place to sleep.

By the way, the church is very unique for me because it is full of paintings from the Way. As in, I was super amazed because I do not have even a bit of an idea that such church exists.

We slept at around 2 AM but we need to be awake at 6 and get ready to meet Kiko. =) .

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di ko alam

Nandito ako ngayon sa train papunta sa Franklin Park. Malamig ang panahon, parang hindi Summer. Nanunuot ang lamig sa aking kalamnan dahil sa manipis ang dala kong pang-ginaw. Malakas din ang hangin na hinahambalos ang matatayog na gusali dito sa Chicago. Maraming tao ang naglalakad sa kalye na tila di alintana ang mala-yelong paligid. Puno din ang kalsada ng mga ma-iingay na sasakyan. Lahat ay gusto na mauna sila para makarating ng maaga kani-kanilang patutunguhan. May mga iilang ibon sa himpapawid na malayang lumilipad.

Abala ang lahat – mga sasakyan, ibon, lamig, hangin at mga tao – sa kani-kanilang ginagawa, hindi batid ang aking nadarama. Ano nga ba ang pakialam nila sa nararamdaman ko? Teka, saan ba ako papunta? Oooppps, sa Franklin Park nga pala. Balik tayo sa nadarama ko. Lagi kong bukambibig ay di ko alam. Lagi kong sambit ay bahala na. Lagi kong suot ang aking mga ngiti kasama nakikita ang pangit kong mga ngipin. Sa likod ng mga ito, ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman ko? Ano ba talaga ang nasa isipan ko? Uulitin ko, di ko alam at bahala na. Ang alam ko lang ngayon ay may kakaiba akong nararamdaman.

Di ko alam kung ito ang paraan ng kanyang pag-samo. Sa totoo lang, di ko talaga alam. Alam ko lang may luha na namumutawi sa aking mga mata dahil gulong gulo na ako. Tatalikuran ko na lang ba iyon at haharapin ang mundong kasing-lupit ng mga mababangis na hayop? O pag-hahandaan ko ang isang pag-kakataon na minsan minsang sumasagi sa aking isipan?

Napapahaba na ako, ngunit malayo pa ako sa Franklin Park. May katabi akong Pana. Medyo di ko talaga gusto ang amoy nila pero kailangan kong pag-tyagaan. Sa ugali kong ito? Nararapat ba ako sa kanya? Muli, di ko alam. Di ko alam ang sagot kasi di ko talaga alam.

Ito ba ay takot lamang? Ito ba ay isang paraan ng aking pag-takbo sa kapalaran? Ito ba ay isang paraan ng pag-samo ko sa mundong di ko alam kung kailangan ako? Sandali, sandali. Kailangan ba talaga ako ng mundo? Or kailangan ko siya? Nalilito na talaga ako. Di ko maipaliwanag ngunit wala akong magagawa sa ngayon kundi mag-dasal. Magdasal na bigyan ako ng tamang desisyon at pananaw sa buhay.

Ang hirap talaga ng walang kinain sa tanghalian. Ang alam ko lang, dapat maging masaya ako. Bakit? Di ko alam. Kasi dapat? Kasi ito yung gusto ng mundo? Malamang hindi. Ito yung gusto Diyos na maramdaman ko. Maging masaya kung saan man ako naroon.

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umaga na...

tama! umaga na. tulog na sila john at jay. may pasok pa kami bukas. buti na lang at work from home lang kami.

ako naman, ito nag-iisa sa sala. wala pa akong gana na matulog. siguro dahil sa mga gumugulo sa isipan ko.

di ito panahon para mag-senti kasi alam ko masaya ako ngayon. di ko alam. basta masaya ako. parang walang hanggang kalayaan. malaya sa mga bagay.

sana wag mawala itong nararamdaman kong kaligayahan. sana...

pero kung ano yung gusto ng Panginoon. sya pa rin yung matutupad. kung may panahon na kailangan kong sundin ang gusto nya at paglabanan ang nais ko. masakit man sa damdamin pero kailangan kong gawin ang kagustuhan Niya.

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cellphone

noong huwebes ay nakuha ko na ulit yung cellphone ko. ito yung cellphone ko na ginagamit ko sa pinas - kaya nandito lahat naka-tala lahat ng mga numero ng mga kaibigan ko. importante sa akin ito dahil isa ito sa nag-sisilbing tulay ko sa aking pinagmulan.

habang nilalasap ko ang bawat sandaling kasama ko ito, nakita ko ang mga mensaheng ito na nakapag-paantig ng aking damdamin >>

1. don't expect anything from life, expectations hurt. when you don't expect, every moment is a surprise. and every surprise brings hapiness. - this is a beautiful words from aiza. she's right but it is so hard to do.

2. never get tired of doing little things for others, sometimes those little things occupy the biggest part of their hearts. - yet another awesome words from aiza. saksi ako dito.

3. i came here not to be loved or liked, it's God's will. i came here to bring the gift of love. - these words came from fr. ollie. i miss him sssooo much.

4. hi, sorry my phone contacts list were deleted last tym.cno po pla ito? - exact words from a person who forgot my number. lol .

5. there will come a point in your life when you'll get tired of chasing everyone, trying to fix everything. it's not giving up, its just a realization that you don't need all those you went after because what you need are those who stood by you even if you need them. - hirap talaga kung pilit mo laging pinapasaya ang ibang tao, sa huli ikaw ang mapapagod.

6. the measure of a mature person is not how well they prepare for everything to go right but on how they stand up and move on after everything goes wrong. - di ko alam kung kaynino galing ito, pero kailangang kailangan ko ito - lalo pa ngayon. lol .

7. in life we always search for answers because we want to prove ourselves that we had the right decisions but the truth is we can't search for what is not there. things happen because it's meant to happen. that is why we forgive people even if they hurt us, we love people who don't love us and we smile despite every painful crash in our hearts. at the end of the day, the lesson you get are the answers to your decision. life is a series of choices not chances. - tama talaga ito. lalo na yung "we love people who don't love us". lol .

8. parang ang dami pang dapat gawin ngunit konti na lang ang oras. konti na lang ang panahon. - sinabi ko ito sa sarili ko nung ilang araw na lang ay paalis na ako ng pinas.

9. minsan pag may taong di ka tinetext sasabihin mo, di ka mahalaga sa kanya. iisipin mo, di na sya nag-ke-care sa iyo. tapos magtatampo ka. mali yun. wala sa text ang halaga ng isang tao. nasa puso un, di ba? - hehe. ayaw kong mag-comment kasi nasa PUSO yun, di ba?

10. Sorry Ms. mukhang wrong number. - reply ko sa taong nakalimot ng number ko.

ayun lang, mga text messages lang na nakapag-buo ng araw ko. iyak, tawa. lungkot, saya. iba iba. halo halong emosyon.

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pilgrimage v.03

morning of saturday, we ate our breakfast and no shower. =( . we went to redemptoris mater in newark.



this was the most beautiful seminary that i've visited. as in, oh my! after having a short tour inside the seminary, we had our morning lauds. and guess what? i slept while antonio was talking. lol. and guess what again, his son is just right beside me. lol.

after doing the morning lauds, we went to liberty park where we stayed for a couple of hours. since i did not take a bath, i am not in the mood to do what i wanted to do. just taking some pictures and i am fine with this. liberty park is still part of the new jersey but we can see new york from the place. i saw manhattan, brooklyn bridge and of course the famous statue of liberty. the statue is facing in the other direction so i was not able to take a good look into it.

how i wish i could ask her to face me. lol . after few hours, we are on our way to connecticut. we passed by the busy street of new york.

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pilgrimage v.02

sa totoo lang, ayaw kong sumama. ngunit may nag-tutulak talaga sa akin na sumama...

pinag-adya naman lahat ng pag-kakataon dahil pinayagan akong mawala ng dalawang araw sa opisina, pinatulog ako nila jose at adrianna sa kanilang bahay at syempre sumuweldo ako...

yes. i spent thursday night in jose and adrianna's house. i thought we are going to prepare for the theme so i went to their house a little early but we did not. they prepared the room of sofia so i could sleep there.

after jose picked me up in the train station, we went to a park to fetch angel and moses. moses is very happy that i was there. i saw the excitement in his face. he said that i am cool. wow! how i wish that i have a young brother like him.

at around 5 am of fri, i woke up to prepare myself and pack my things. adrianna is our driver that morning. jose needs to go to work. we arrived in st. gertrude's church at around 6 am.

noong una, wala akong kilala. si angel lang. tapos pinakilala ni angel si hernando. tumahimik ako hanggang sa makita ko ang mga ka-komunidad ko. syempre lagi ko naman ginagawa yun...

i saw bianca, aimee, liz, maribel, jackie and gerardo. logically, i should be with them. i am so afraid to be rejected by other people. i do not know people from other communities. in short, i made myself out of the ordinary world again. i sat beside gerardo. gerardo and i talked about different things. i'm happy we could understand each other despite our broken english. lol .

we stopped at immaculate conception parish church. i saw marc (the guy who gave me a lift from st. gertrude to our house on my first time to attend an announcement). on our way to jersey city, the overall responsible in our bus asked for volunteers to share their experiences. what would you expect from me? lol .

we reached new jersey at around 2 am of saturday...

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pilgrimage v.01

I totally enjoyed the pilgrimage to Washington dc to meet Kiko...

We spent our first night sleeping inside the gym in Jersey City, New Jersey. The floor is quite dirty, but why bother, all that matters to me is to sleep...

8ish or 9ish we are on our way to redemptoris mater seminary in Newark, New Jersey. We then spent our a couple of hours in liberty park. I saw the statue of liberty from the place and i wish i could ask her to face me. =) . After few ours, we are on our way to Connecticut to celebrate the Eucharist.

We slept in Bridgeport, Connecticut on the second night of our pilgrimage. At about 8 am, we are on our way to Washington to see Kiko. It was awesome. I saw Kiko for the first time.

We went west (I think) to Arlington, Virginia and spent the night there. Then Monday morning, we head back to Chicago.

The trip is really fantastic.

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